just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
