dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
