My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
