Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
