And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
