this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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