watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
