My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
