Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
