I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize