Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
