I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
