My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
