i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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