I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
