Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
