He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
