You just made me feel so damn special
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
