She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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