Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
