Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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