just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
