If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
