I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
