My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
