who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
