You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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