He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
