That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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