the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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