My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
