Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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