My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
