She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
