I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
