i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
