aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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