Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
