I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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