my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
