: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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