dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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