Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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