My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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