im drinking this country out of the recession.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
