I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
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I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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