i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
