all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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