New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
