I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
