I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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