if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
