I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
