weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
