It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
