The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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