throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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