I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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