How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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