Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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