i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize