nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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