the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize