yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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