oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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