oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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