i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
