Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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