Duck Duck Cougar?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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