i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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