I got chris browned last night
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
