i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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